Monthly Archives: May 2012

Don’t Panic; and Other Advice for the Coming Zombie Apocalypse

If you have internet, which duh, of course you do if you’re reading this, then you have no doubt heard about the man in Miami, Fla who ate the face off a victim a couple days ago. If not, here http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/05/26/2818832/naked-man-shot-killed-on-macarthur.html. Why is this man a zombie? Well, according to the Miami Herald (see link above), “The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing.” THE ATTACKER FAILED TO STOP AFTER BEING SHOT! Um, the only time I recall that happening is in a zombie movie. The dude whose face probably now resembles a Batman villain is in the ICU and he will probably awaken, infect the hospital and the plague will spread from there. When the plague of zombies comes and destroys the world as we know it, don’t panic, panicking doesn’t help anyone. Here are a few tips for you guys so you have a fighting chance.

According to my extensive scientific research (zombie movies) there are basically three types of zombies; slow, fast, and learning zombies. There sometimes mixed variations. For slow zombies think Shaun of the Dead or the Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks (which would be a good idea to buy). Fast zombies, think Dawn of the Dead or Left 4 Dead. Learning zombies, which you better pray to whatever god you worship that if there are zombies those aren’t the ones we get, are ones that can actually do things like climb. These are the ones in Zombieland and the Walking Dead.

Now that we have that out of the way lets get on with some tips.

Ok, first off weapons, which is what everyone will be scrambling for. Don’t get a weapon that you don’t know how to use, or get one and learn quickly. Some weapons that sound good, like katanas and swords because they don’t need to be reloaded you’re gonna have to remember that there aren’t many real ones anymore and that replica sword of Aragorn’s from LOTR won’t cut into bone, or probably even flesh. Also, unlike the movies, guns aren’t just something that you pick up, aim, and fire. Guns have recoil that you have to factor in and where to keep your hand so that the pull doesn’t rip the skin off your hand. Then of course you also need to know how to load the damn thing or else it’s pretty useless.

Be wary of your surroundings. Try to figure out the safest places, know where all the exits are, and if someone is stumbling towards you don’t help them until you know for sure they aren’t zombies i.e. they can talk. Yeah they might look like a drunk or an accident victim but one wrong judgement and you’re totally screwed.

When stocking up on supplies don’t just go for your favorite snacks. Make sure you are well stocked on the basic things first. Things you might not even think of like, toilet paper, water, batteries, basic medical supplies, etc. A basic survival kit, like ones sold now to weather storms or other natural disasters, are a good place to start. Most of them come with things you’ll need, first aid kits, flashlights, Swiss army knife, matches. This will also put you on the right track mindset wise so that you realize that the xbox is expendable (it is really, I’m not crazy) and you’ll make room for important things like canned goods, and a manual can opener (yeah, don’t forget that or it will be really hard to eat all that food you stocked).

Finally, if you love someone and they get bit don’t be stupid, take them out. Honestly it’s the best thing, do you really want your lover or mom or little brother going through the hell of a disease (which is how the whole zombie thing usually begins) and then become a flesh eating monster who doesn’t even know who you are and is trying to eat your face? I’m not saying this to be cruel, I am human. Even my brother, a person who I love and would kill for, we have an agreement that if one of us gets bit then the other one will kill them. Make it quick and clean, then leave them and do what they would want you to, survive.

I have a ton more stuff but I’ll leave it. Now that we’re all depressed by that last paragraph please not that there is good news. Most people, especially my generation (the 20-somethings) and under already know everything that I wrote here and have their own plans and tips in case of zombies. Especially the nerds, if you aren’t a nerd or at least friends with one (and if you aren’t I’m kinda wondering why you even read this blog) you need to go and get yourself a nerd. Also for my non-American readers, look on the bright side, you have a warning and it will take a while to get to you (unless you’re in Canada, sorry guys same continent and all, but it is in Florida so it will take a little while at least).

Also remember that we humans are resilient, like cockroaches (and before I get angry comments, I was joking about the roaches thing…kinda), if you can recognize the signs and be prepared, not crazy living in a bunker in the mountains prepared but aware and ready, we have a standing chance. Until the dead start breaking down our doors remember to live life, actually have fun, don’t take everything so seriously, and be good to your friends and family (you don’t want to be the one they “accidentally” trip in front of the zombies). It’s not the end of the world…yet…so see as much of it as you can.

Oh and when the zombies do come, don’t panic. Just take a deep breath, calm down…and remember to double tap.

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Sometimes I Hate it When I’m Right; Update on the Upcoming Show “Elementary”

Anyone who read my previous post “Wrong On So Many Levels” knows that I was adamantly against the very concept of CBS’s upcoming fall show, Elementary. Honestly after my angry rant I had put the show out of my mind, partly to retain whatever sanity I have left, and partly that child like action of fingers in my ears going, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you, you don’t exist.” So when Sherlock, the show, posted the fall preview for Elementary on their facebook page yesterday I got to re-feel that horrid sinking sensation that goes to the pit of my stomach. I clicked on the link as if it was the video from The Ring, but I still watched it like the good unbiased (psh,yeah right) reporter I am. To be completely honest? It was actually worse then I expected. I don’t know how but they surpassed my concept of an atrocity, and this is a girl who in prior expectation equated Elementary to Dante’s ninth circle of hell.  If this mockery of a show gets past a pilot episode I will lose all faith in the American public, and there isn’t much to begin with anymore. Two words, reality tv. Don’t believe me on how horrible this is? Fine, here watch this and if you have similar tastes, as in you actually like a show with a decent plot and characters, you’ll probably get the same eye gougey feeling I got. An eye gougey feeling that I had reserved for the Twilight evil, that’s right I am equating the show to Twilight.

Yeah, exactly, my point is made and they were the ones who made it for me. If you still don’t understand how this is the worst thing to happen since the last Twilight movie came out, I didn’t watch it because I had been forced to watch the first one and the people who forced me to watch the first one will never do that again for fear of their lives. Anyway, if you don’t understand that or why I’m so mad then read my last blog post on this, otherwise I’d just be repeating myself. The only thing new I would have to add is that the Sherlock Holmes movies and the show Sherlock may be different but they are true to who Sherlock Holmes was. Sherlock Holmes was a genius at what he did; he was a man who had the ruff-and-tumble fight abilities, and he was also the guy who could tell where you had been all day just by looking at your shoes. An narcissistic man with sociopathic tendencies, and he was wonderful. Yes he did do drugs when he wasn’t on the case, he needed the rush, but that wasn’t who he was. You can’t base a character around a small aspect that, when reading the novels or watching the movie/show, nobody cared about! In his defense, which he doesn’t really need one, the drugs he was on were legal at the time and he didn’t always use them. You can’t make Sherlock Holmes an ex- drug addict who lives in NYC with a female Watson, who inevitably will be a love interest. Did you see that preview? Sherlock doesn’t apologize! What part of narcissistic high functioning sociopath don’t they understand? If you want to watch a show that’s like having Sherlock Holmes in America watch House.


Marvel’s Movie, The Avengers.

The older I get the more movie heroes I lose. People who were once titans that could do no wrong have now, in my eyes, run themselves into the ground with their so called good ideas. George Lucas and Tim Burton, for example, when I was growing up were the most amazing people ever. I was a girl who was raised on Star Wars and Indiana Jones, two of my all time favorite movies are The Labyrinth (Lucas) and The Nightmare before Christmas (Burton…duh). Now they just need to stop, I’m not saying retire (though that might be a good idea), but take a step back, breath, and spend a few peaceful years not making a mockery of themselves. BTW hard core fans, this is my opinion so if you don’t like it, get over it.

Anyway, why do I even bring this up when I’m supposed to be talking about The Avengers? Two words, Joss. Whedon. He is one of the three people (other two being Steven Moffat, and Hayao Miyazaki)  in this world that when I hear that they are making a movie or TV show I’m on board before even hearing the premise. Why? Because of the track record. Whedon has had his ups and downs but when it comes to the writing, he just is amazing. He knows when to be serious and where to put in those little zingers that make a movie all the more special and well rounded.

Now I’m guessing the majority of people have already seen The Avengers, even so I’m not going to write “spoilers” in case some haven’t.

First of all if you haven’t seen The Avengers, go, go and see it right now. It is by far the greatest movie I have seen all year. I love having a movie where I leave more excited then I did going in. I waited till last weekend to see it because the first weekend was sold out, always a good sign. I went with three friends, two of which knew the comics and were die hard fans, they had also watched the other movies (Iron Man, Thor, etc). The other had seen most of the movies and I’m pretty sure that she was just going because Iron Man (played by Robert Downey Jr.) was in it. And then there’s me, who has only seen two of the other movies; Iron Man and Thor, and was watching it because Whedon was directing and the trailer made the movie look badass. So to sum it all up there were two super nerds, a fangirl, and on of the general public (a pretty well-rounded bunch).

The verdict? 10 out of 10’s across the board.

The movie is well paced, has witty lines, surprisingly not all delivered by the character Tony Stark. Example:

Thor: He’s my brother
Natasha Romanoff: He killed 80 people in 2 days
Thor: He’s adopted

This movie is perfect for any adventure fan, it is that wonderful mix of humor, drama, action, and amazing graphics. The fight scenes, and there are a lot of them, are the highlight of the movie. I felt like a five-year old sitting there, “wow look at that!”, “cool!”, “whoa, did you see that!!!!”. Yup pretty much my brain thoughts through whole movie.

Here’s what everyone else had to say:

T.J. (super nerd #1): “I would honestly just say that the movie is perhaps the best blend of comedy and action that I have seen in live cinema to date.” oh and, “Hulk, smash”.

Stevi (Fangirl): “It was brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I already want to re-watch it.”

J.G. (super nerd #2): “Extremely engrossing! HULK SMASH!!! The movie grabbed you and proved that someone can make a good flick these days.”

Like I said 10 out of 10. Honestly you don’t even have to be an action/adventure fan, all you have to be is a person who wants to see a good movie. Oh and for those who saw the movie and missed it, and those who hadn’t seen it yet, there are two extra scenes in and after the credits. So stick around, it was totally worth it.


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