If you have internet, which duh, of course you do if you’re reading this, then you have no doubt heard about the man in Miami, Fla who ate the face off a victim a couple days ago. If not, here http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/05/26/2818832/naked-man-shot-killed-on-macarthur.html. Why is this man a zombie? Well, according to the Miami Herald (see link above), “The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing.” THE ATTACKER FAILED TO STOP AFTER BEING SHOT! Um, the only time I recall that happening is in a zombie movie. The dude whose face probably now resembles a Batman villain is in the ICU and he will probably awaken, infect the hospital and the plague will spread from there. When the plague of zombies comes and destroys the world as we know it, don’t panic, panicking doesn’t help anyone. Here are a few tips for you guys so you have a fighting chance.
According to my extensive scientific research (zombie movies) there are basically three types of zombies; slow, fast, and learning zombies. There sometimes mixed variations. For slow zombies think Shaun of the Dead or the Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks (which would be a good idea to buy). Fast zombies, think Dawn of the Dead or Left 4 Dead. Learning zombies, which you better pray to whatever god you worship that if there are zombies those aren’t the ones we get, are ones that can actually do things like climb. These are the ones in Zombieland and the Walking Dead.
Now that we have that out of the way lets get on with some tips.
Ok, first off weapons, which is what everyone will be scrambling for. Don’t get a weapon that you don’t know how to use, or get one and learn quickly. Some weapons that sound good, like katanas and swords because they don’t need to be reloaded you’re gonna have to remember that there aren’t many real ones anymore and that replica sword of Aragorn’s from LOTR won’t cut into bone, or probably even flesh. Also, unlike the movies, guns aren’t just something that you pick up, aim, and fire. Guns have recoil that you have to factor in and where to keep your hand so that the pull doesn’t rip the skin off your hand. Then of course you also need to know how to load the damn thing or else it’s pretty useless.
Be wary of your surroundings. Try to figure out the safest places, know where all the exits are, and if someone is stumbling towards you don’t help them until you know for sure they aren’t zombies i.e. they can talk. Yeah they might look like a drunk or an accident victim but one wrong judgement and you’re totally screwed.
When stocking up on supplies don’t just go for your favorite snacks. Make sure you are well stocked on the basic things first. Things you might not even think of like, toilet paper, water, batteries, basic medical supplies, etc. A basic survival kit, like ones sold now to weather storms or other natural disasters, are a good place to start. Most of them come with things you’ll need, first aid kits, flashlights, Swiss army knife, matches. This will also put you on the right track mindset wise so that you realize that the xbox is expendable (it is really, I’m not crazy) and you’ll make room for important things like canned goods, and a manual can opener (yeah, don’t forget that or it will be really hard to eat all that food you stocked).
Finally, if you love someone and they get bit don’t be stupid, take them out. Honestly it’s the best thing, do you really want your lover or mom or little brother going through the hell of a disease (which is how the whole zombie thing usually begins) and then become a flesh eating monster who doesn’t even know who you are and is trying to eat your face? I’m not saying this to be cruel, I am human. Even my brother, a person who I love and would kill for, we have an agreement that if one of us gets bit then the other one will kill them. Make it quick and clean, then leave them and do what they would want you to, survive.
I have a ton more stuff but I’ll leave it. Now that we’re all depressed by that last paragraph please not that there is good news. Most people, especially my generation (the 20-somethings) and under already know everything that I wrote here and have their own plans and tips in case of zombies. Especially the nerds, if you aren’t a nerd or at least friends with one (and if you aren’t I’m kinda wondering why you even read this blog) you need to go and get yourself a nerd. Also for my non-American readers, look on the bright side, you have a warning and it will take a while to get to you (unless you’re in Canada, sorry guys same continent and all, but it is in Florida so it will take a little while at least).
Also remember that we humans are resilient, like cockroaches (and before I get angry comments, I was joking about the roaches thing…kinda), if you can recognize the signs and be prepared, not crazy living in a bunker in the mountains prepared but aware and ready, we have a standing chance. Until the dead start breaking down our doors remember to live life, actually have fun, don’t take everything so seriously, and be good to your friends and family (you don’t want to be the one they “accidentally” trip in front of the zombies). It’s not the end of the world…yet…so see as much of it as you can.
Oh and when the zombies do come, don’t panic. Just take a deep breath, calm down…and remember to double tap.